By Dr. Noelle Sterne

Q: What do you do if you missed a deadline you created for yourself? How do you get through the feelings of guilt and set another deadline in a way that you can hold yourself to it?

              — M. Culpa

A: I empathize with you! It’s hard to miss your self-imposed deadline. As a fellow deadline-misser, I’ve arrived at several methods that make myself easier to live with.

1. Face it. 

What did you decide to do instead? Maybe play time was irresistible when your kid begged you to build a Lego city together. Maybe you didn’t need to see the last 90-minute episode of “Greatest Scholarly Acknowledgments.” Whatever choice you made, face it. You made it. 

2. Choose again.

What could you have done differently, better? Maybe explain to your child that you have important work right now and will play after supper. Or even ask your child to “help” you and invite her or him to sit nearby with pencils, crayons, paper. Or Tivo the cliffhanger Acknowledgments. It will be your reward later.

3. Ask Your Inner Savant (IS). 

If you’re having trouble coming up with answers for doing better, sit quietly. Ignore that Inner Chastiser and invoke your Inner Champion. And, as every meditation app instructs, take a few deep breaths. Just ask your IS. You will receive an answer. Maybe it’s scheduling your session at a different time. Maybe it’s changing your routines: arrange babysitting with a neighbor for your session and promise your kid later Lego or promising yourself a binge-watch of Acknowledgments: The Sequel next weekend.

4. Repeat.

Repetition is a time-honored method for language learning and exam-cramming. And (amazingly) it changes your neural pathway. So, repeat after me: I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.

If you need more, also tell yourself: I haven’t lost anything. My child loves the Lego city and “helping” me, and all those incredible acknowledgments gave me ideas for my own acknowledgment.  

If you feel you didn’t “gain” anything, consider this: you learned that making certain choices instead of honoring your self-promised deadline just doesn’t feel good. 

5. To reap more value, ask yourself why you avoided this project.

Honesty required here. Maybe you feel overwhelmed by the project and the time it will take to complete it, so you turned away from it. Or you suspect you don’t have anything new to say. (IS comes in handy here too.) Or you don’t understand that newest, hopelessly over-erudite review article. Or you’re bored. Or you’d rather take a nap. Whatever it is, ask your IS how to meet this obstacle and overcome it. Maybe you really did need a nap.

6. It’s not a deadline . . . 

I stopped using the word deadline a while ago. It reeks of punishment, even annihilation, which I don’t want hanging over me. After all, I’ve elected to do this work, right? So I’ve substituted target. This word is not only more mellifluous but easier to swallow. A target is positive; it implies a reward (that Tivo’d show). So consider changing your label.

7. Look forward to completion.

This suggestion may seem a little like Pollyanna thinking, but it works. I’m sure you do look forward to completion—but with the satisfaction of knowing you did your best. Even if I have to force it a little, I tell myself: “I look forward to completion, to doing this. I love writing and thinking.” I remember and repeat what a colleague recently exclaimed: “It’s fun!” 

8. Climb back on the goal. and set your new one.

Maybe your previous goal wasn’t realistic. I’ve found that almost anything, and especially writing, always takes more time than I’ve anticipated or wanted. This is especially true because, in the throes of engagement, other ideas often come to me and I veer off. Sometimes a mini-essay emerges. It’s not the goal I set, but it’s usable nevertheless—somewhere. So allow your creativity. Then go back to the original project.

Or you discover newly published research that must be included in your project. Well, great that you discovered it! Yes, studying it may skew your session goal, but it’s necessary. Be glad you’ve found this new publication. 

9. For next session: Set your new goal. 

Before you finish, set your goal for your next session, including day, time, content. Whatever you didn’t manage to do yesterday (because you mined that new discovery), move over to the new session. Make notes or mark your manuscript for where to resume so you don’t feel like you’re plunging into an icy lake. 

Treat this session (and every one) as inviolate, like your dental hygiene appointment or electric car charge. But congratulate yourself and reward yourself for at least showing up today and remember your Champion. If you need to, forgive yourself, again and again. 

Now, please stop reading this and go have fun in your self-promised, successful session! 

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Dissertation coach, nurturer, bolsterer, handholder, and editor; scholarly and mainstream writing consultant; author of writing craft, spiritual, and academic articles; and spiritual and motivational counselor, Noelle Sterne has published many pieces in print and online venues, including Author Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Children’s Book Insider, Graduate Schools Magazine, GradShare, InnerSelf, Inspire Me Today, Transformation Magazine, Unity Magazine, Women in Higher Education, Women on Writing, Writer’s Digest, and The Writer. Noelle’s ninth story for Chicken Soup for the Soul appears in June 2025 in the volume Self-Care Isn’t Selfish. With a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Noelle has for 30 years helped doctoral candidates wrestle their dissertations to completion (finally). Based on her practice, her Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield Education, 2015) addresses students’ often overlooked or ignored but crucial nonacademic difficulties that can seriously prolong their agony. See the PowerPoint teaser here. In Noelle`s Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books, 2011), she draws examples from her academic consulting and other aspects of life to help readers release regrets and reach lifelong yearnings. Following one of her own, she is currently working on her third novel. Visit Noelle at www.trustyourlifenow.com