By Dr. Noelle Sterne

Q: I can’t say no to different things that keep interfering with my dissertation. Do other women doctoral candidates have this trouble?
        —Ms. Dissertationally Distracted

A: You’re right. I’ve noticed throughout my practice that women doctoral candidates especially can easily become diverted by compassion for others in trouble. Well-meaning, generous decisions and actions may result in calamitous consequences to a dissertation.

Men candidates may succumb too. If you are a man reading this, you may recognize some of these scenarios. In these six stories, you’ll see that tender-hearted consideration at the wrong times dangerously waylaid dissertation progress. Perhaps these tales will help you stick to your decisions to let no major interruptions ambush your dreamed-of doctorate.

Marcy’s House

Marcy had just reached a major milestone: approval of her dissertation proposal. While she was working on her draft, her husband found a “perfect” piece of land and wanted to start building a house together. Marcy’s next dissertation step should have been to collect her data. Instead, she collected designs and architectural plans and interviewed contractors for their house—and took a leave from her studies.

When they hired a builder, Marcy thought she could get back to her dissertation as her husband held down his office job. But she became the general contractor of the general contractor. Her days and nights were filled—supervising every square inch of the building process. I don’t know if Marcy ever reentered the university, finished her dissertation, or got her degree. Or moved into her new house.

Tina’s Clock

Tina entered a doctoral program “late,” as she called it. She and her husband wanted to start a family, and she feared her biological clock was ticking faster than the doctoral statute of limitations. Tina became pregnant and read every book she could find on “academic mommies.” With great motivation, she worked on her dissertation until the eighth month. Then she withdrew from the university for “only a year,” she promised me, “until I can get the kid into pre-pre-school.”

I received the birth announcement of a beautiful baby boy. But Tina underestimated the demands of motherhood. I didn’t hear from her for six years. When Matthew was seven, she reenrolled at the university. Her statute had run out and she was forced to start from the beginning. She spent more time and money to retake the required courses before resuming her dissertation. But . . . three years later, she insisted that Matthew call her “Doctor Mommy.”

Brenda’s Granddaughter

After years as a high school principal and close to retirement, Brenda finally took the doctoral plunge, a lifelong dream. She enthusiastically completed the coursework and did preliminary research on her dissertation topic. Then her married daughter had a baby girl who developed breathing difficulties. With the first of several operations
scheduled, the baby’s life seemed in danger.

Brenda raced out to the Midwest to comfort her daughter and care for the baby. She stayed for three years. When the child eventually regained health, Brenda returned. But her earlier degree fervor had dissipated, and instead of putting “Ph.D.” after her name, the only letters she could use were ABD (All But Dissertation).

Jenny’s Parents

Jenny lived on the West Coast and her elderly parents on the East Coast. As they became more frail, Jenny gave up a six-figure job and moved back to her family home to take care of them. She also took a clerical job, the first thing she could find. Her doctoral program was stalled, but to her credit, she continued slowly. Somehow, between her 9-to-5 job, ferrying her parents to incessant doctors’ visits, policing their medications, and keeping up the house, she fit in her doctoral work. The last I knew, Jenny was still in the early stages of her dissertation proposal and her parents were thriving. But at least she hadn’t given up.

Anne’s Romance

When Anne moved to a suburban development, one of her neighbors was a helpful and attractive man who became a friend. As he introduced her to the mysteries of crabgrass and weed killers, they became more than friends.

Anne felt elated and young. Between dinners on each other’s verandas and forays together to the home supplies store, she doggedly kept chipping away at her dissertation. Soon, Anne and her lover combined their homes and lives.

She applied for and got one extension, and then another. As the second ended, Anne started collecting her dissertation materials. Her partner, who had a master’s, became more distant. She told me in tears that he admitted feeling threatened by her imminent advanced degree. Anne was shocked but wasn’t willing to give up her goal. They broke up.

Anne was too depressed to think about school. She applied for another extension, her third. Within a month of it ending, she resumed her dissertation work but had great trouble concentrating. Anne withdrew, sold her house, and moved to another state. No partner, no degree.

Claudia’s “Husband”

Claudia experienced one of the most dramatic examples I’ve encountered of misguided compassion. A bright single woman with a brighter future, she went back to school to complete her master’s when she was 32 and came to me feeling shaky about the academic requirements. Claudia’s goal was to leave the deadening administrative job she’d held for years so she could teach in college.

With no family responsibilities and great excitement, Claudia whipped through the master’s coursework and thesis. We rejoiced on her acceptance to the doctoral program, and she was able to arrange her work schedule to take the required courses. She finished the courses quickly and began the dissertation. I helped her organize her first two chapters, and we were both elated at her committee’s positive feedback. She promised to get her draft back to me for editing in two weeks.

Two weeks came. No draft. I emailed her with a gentle reminder. No response. At three weeks, I called. On her answering machine I left a slightly less gentle reminder. I then phoned her office, got her voicemail, and left an even less gentle reminder.

In the fourth week, Claudia called. She didn’t mention her dissertation at all. Instead, she reeled out a complicated story about having to help a friend. The friend’s brother was living in their home country, a warring African nation, and his life was threatened. They needed to bring him out and couldn’t get the appropriate visa, so the only way he could enter the U.S. was by marriage. Claudia felt she “owed” it to her friend and her brother to help.

She married the brother—I know this sounds like a supermarket novel but it’s true. He came here and they worked out some way of looking like they lived together. But additional legal problems surfaced, he was in danger of being deported, and they feared for his life. Claudia too was legally vulnerable.

She told me, “I’ll be embroiled in this for a long time. I’ve got three lawyers working on it.” She took a deep breath. “My friend is devastated. I can’t desert her now.”

When I last I heard from Claudia she was plodding along in her dead-end job and probably seeing her dream career recede like low tide. Several years after beginning the program, she was still ABD and seemed to have lost heart.

Selfish?

No one can argue with the love and concern these women showed. But there’s a time and place to say yes or no. If an apparently fabulous—or dire—situation entices you, stop and think. Think about your own goals and desires and the life-altering consequences and costs to you of helping. Think about how you’ll feel quitting the dissertation—three of these women never went back.

Alternatives

If you face a situation anything like one of these I’ve described, think again. Don’t fool yourself: a harmless little pause in your doctoral program or dissertation can stretch into a permanent break.

Explore options other than your total involvement. Get help if you need to. Talk with a neutral person; a dialogue can open up possibilities and resources you may not have thought of and can suggest to the person in need. Explore other family members and agencies. Claudia, for example, might have been persuaded to help her friend’ brother without taking the radical step that bred more entangled problems than propagating octopuses.

Granted, saying “no” may be very hard. You can explain why you’re saying no (although often any explanation doesn’t convince). Sometimes saying no is the kindest thing you can do. Tina could have sought early daycare that would have probably been good for her child and her. After the crisis was over, Brenda could have helped her daughter research skilled help for the baby.

Take Yourself Seriously—with Discipline

If you really want to complete your dissertation, take it seriously, like any large, important project. You’re an athlete in training: no excessive booze, no late nights, no DIY massive projects, overgiving help, offering to host a 30-guest Thanksgiving, whirlwind romance, or impulsive marriage proposal or acceptance.

Most importantly, remember that you haven’t lost your compassion for others. You’ve diverted it and channeled it toward yourself, and you’ll come out stronger for it. For all you know, when those who don’t receive your help seek other solutions, they may come out stronger too. You’ll have opportunities to show your compassion and caring–later. And more, you will honor your desire to complete your dissertation and, finally, achieve your precious and hard-won doctorate.

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Dissertation coach, nurturer, bolsterer, handholder, and editor; scholarly and mainstream writing consultant; author of writing craft, spiritual, and academic articles; and spiritual and motivational counselor, Noelle Sterne has published many pieces in print and online venues, including Author Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Children’s Book Insider, Graduate Schools Magazine, GradShare, InnerSelf, Inspire Me Today, Transformation Magazine, Unity Magazine, Women in Higher Education, Women on Writing, Writer’s Digest, and The Writer. Noelle’s ninth story for Chicken Soup for the Soul appears in June 2025 in the volume Self-Care Isn’t Selfish. With a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Noelle has for 30 years helped doctoral candidates wrestle their dissertations to completion (finally). Based on her practice, her Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield Education, 2015) addresses students’ often overlooked or ignored but crucial nonacademic difficulties that can seriously prolong their agony. See the PowerPoint teaser here. In Noelle`s Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books, 2011), she draws examples from her academic consulting and other aspects of life to help readers release regrets and reach lifelong yearnings. Following one of her own, she is currently working on her third novel. Visit Noelle at www.trustyourlifenow.com