By Dr. Noelle Sterne

Q: I’m dreading the holiday dinner table and all those questions about my dissertation. How to handle them?

      — Lost My Appetite

A: Holidays can be welcome respites from our daily routines and the seemingly relentless pressures to produce. But, like Lost Appetite, when we’re at holiday gatherings and in the throes of our dissertations, we also risk often inevitable and embarrassing questions from well-meaning relatives and friends. With all the gorging, you can be sure that at least one person will ask those questions that make you squirm, right up there with the personal in-your-face ones like “How come you’re still single?” or “When are you going to have kids?”

To help you field the equivalent questions about your dissertation, maintain your self-respect, and even jab a little in return, here are several of the most common questions and suggested replies I’ve collected from my academic coaching clients suffering through the holidays. I’m glad to report that clients have said these responses have worked well — meaning they’ve shut the other guy up. Tailor your responses as appropriate, but curb your impulse to throw a punch (or your plate).

The Questions and Answers

1. Any variation or all: How’s it going? Aren’t you done yet? You’ve been at it for so long. When will you finally finish?

Your answer: Thank you for asking. It’s a long process and going very well. You’ll know that I’ve completed it when I do. I’m also working on a memoir and a novel based on my research. And how is your miniature Arabian-horse-carving business?

2. What do you need a degree for? Why not get a job that’s secure, like with Target?

Your answer: In the academic teaching field, publishing is all-important. And more — I have a passion to make a difference in [your field/topic]. Two friends who have gotten their degrees have very good jobs in teaching, research, and consulting. And how is your miniature Arabian-horse-carving business?

3. Aren’t you a little old to be in school?

Your answer: I never want to stop learning. One of my colleagues, a professor, is eighty-six and just got a grant to do research on abandoned Hindu temples in Kuala Lumpur. And how is your miniature Arabian-horse-carving business?

4. Why don’t you come to the family gatherings/girls’-guys’ nights out anymore? Don’t you care about us?

Your answer: My project takes a lot of time and concentrated effort. I love you. That will not change. See you at St. Aethelred’s Day and the Spring Equinox. And how is your miniature Arabian-horse-carving business?

The Pattern

See the pattern? A few sentences of reply — crisp, with no big details. Delivered with certainty and confidence. And the zinger — turn the conversation back to them and their interest. Then quickly change the focus and subject: compliment the host on the asparagus casserole and ask for more pie.

Good Perspectives

Hailey Bouche, an editor of The Everygirl, offers some great advice on the family barrage of holiday questions. She counsels first not to take the questions too personally. They’re asking because they care about you. Remember when your aunt said, “You’re my favorite niece.” In the spirit of the season, look on them kindly. Tell yourself, “They’re really not being malicious or overly intrusive.” But don’t divulge any information you really don’t want to. You don’t have to admit, “My chair returned my draft four times.” You can also set boundaries: “I’d rather not talk about this.”

Bouche has some good comebacks too for nonacademic personal questions, like why your partner isn’t here, why you cut your hair so short, why you haven’t moved back home (or out). If you need more variations, put “intrusive questions” in your main search box and you’ll find other articles that may be helpful and adaptable to your current tight spot.

The Ally

Alternatively, you may be so fortunate as to be sitting near a fellow academic — your second cousin who’s (finally) a PhD and remembers her doctoral experience, has published three articles, and is bucking for tenure at her university. She’ll whisper to you: “Don’t pay attention to Uncle Trenton. He always wanted a master’s but couldn’t master the application.”

This cousin may also ask questions, but they’re savvy and come from genuine interest:

• “How responsive is your chair?”
• “What can you do to shake him/her loose?”
• “When I brought cupcakes to the research librarian, it made all the difference. Did you?”

Accept your blessing and after dessert invite her to a corner of the sunroom for a private conversation. You may happily discover a willing listener, cheerleader, understander, and academic friend. And make sure she comes to the next family gathering.

More wise advice comes from Professor David Perlmutter, neurologist and best-selling author, on academic friends. He divides them into two categories, “enablers” and “disablers” (quoted in Enago Academy, 2018). Enablers will praise you extravagantly. For example, I’ve heard these declarations: “Your topic will make a great dent in the literature.” “You’ll surely get a Fulbright for this, even a MacArthur.” “Your project will help save humankind.”

Disablers will lament everything associated with the project — and refer to their own unequivocal experiences, as clients have reported: “Chairs, advisors, and committee members are totally unresponsive.” “When they finally do respond, they want everything changed, from the thesis statement on.” “Expect to postpone your graduation for at least six months.”

Perlmutter counsels that both extremes are to be avoided. The best choice — and hopefully your PhD cousin is this — is someone “with whom you can share your ideas and who will give you an honest, constructive opinion” (para. 14; for an incisive paper on academic friends, see also McCabe [2016]). This friend will share some similar temporary failures and mightily encourage you.

Take in these thoughts and rehearse some of the answers above; you may also want to prepare your rejoinder (the Arabian horse-carving business) by asking your host about different relatives’ interests. Add your own spins, and you won’t run aground in stammers, alibis, uncomfortable excuses, and regretted awkward explanations. Instead, you’ll sail through every holiday dinner until you can proudly say to them all, “Just call me Doctor. I’ll start to teach at the university next month.”

References

Bouche, H. (2024, November 25). How to dodge questions at holiday gatherings when

everyone in your family is nosey AF. https://theeverygirl.com/uncomfortable-questions-at-family-gatherings/

Enago Academy. (2018, May 21). What should you look for in an academic friend?

https://www.enago.com/academy/what-should-you-look-for-in-an-academic-friend/

McCabe, J. (2016). Friends with academic benefits. Contexts, 15(3), 22-29.

https://doi.org/10.1177/15365042166622

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Dissertation coach, nurturer, bolsterer, handholder, and editor; scholarly and mainstream writing consultant; author of writing craft, spiritual, and academic articles; and spiritual and motivational counselor, Noelle Sterne has published many pieces in print and online venues, including Author Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Children’s Book Insider, Graduate Schools Magazine, GradShare, InnerSelf, Inspire Me Today, Transformation Magazine, Unity Magazine, Women in Higher Education, Women on Writing, Writer’s Digest, and The Writer. Noelle’s ninth story for Chicken Soup for the Soul appears in June 2025 in the volume Self-Care Isn’t Selfish. With a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Noelle has for 30 years helped doctoral candidates wrestle their dissertations to completion (finally). Based on her practice, her Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield Education, 2015) addresses students’ often overlooked or ignored but crucial nonacademic difficulties that can seriously prolong their agony. See the PowerPoint teaser here. In Noelle`s Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books, 2011), she draws examples from her academic consulting and other aspects of life to help readers release regrets and reach lifelong yearnings. Following one of her own, she is currently working on her third novel. Visit Noelle at www.trustyourlifenow.com