By Dr. Noelle Sterne

Q: My wife says she doesn’t don’t know me anymore. What should I do?                         

             — Immersed in Dissertation and Estranged

A: You’re knee-deep or, more accurately, file/notecard/article/laptop-deep in your dissertation. You don’t hear anything around you—refrigerator opening, kids tussling, clothes washer whirring. You don’t even hear your name called for dinner. When you come up for air, you realize your partner hasn’t spoken to you for days.

No Dissertation Is an Island

Much as you think you want to be left alone to finish the Beast, you really don’t. You do need your family—for support, breaks, human contact that’s not centered around your dissertation. But you also feel pulled, and you know they’re exasperated (to say the least). Here are some remedies for your partner’s complaints.

“I Never See You Anymore”

If your Significant Other (SO) suddenly blurts out an accusation like this, it’s time to stop, look, and close your computer. Don’t try to dismiss such statements or believe your partner’s possible lukewarm retraction that “Everything’s fine.” When he or she pretends everything is “fine,” that‘s the opposite of fine for both of you.

I’ve found two methods that can help ease the tensions and promote the harmony and cooperation you need from your partner throughout this testy time: educate and bribe.

Educate. Inform your SO that he/she is not the only one who will be sacrificing time, money, shared recreational activities, and the luxury of trivial arguments. If your SO has earned a degree, rouse the memories of those horrific term papers, thesis, or capstone project. Then pounce: say (casually) that the dissertation is at least five times worse. Sketch out, vividly, the kind of time and solitude you need, especially with your many other duties (commuting, day job, work brought home, household duties, kid-care sharing, elderly parent visits, community service . . .).

If your SO is in a profession or job related to your dissertation, you’re ahead. Partners who work in healthcare and social services can relate to your study of the antecedents of domestic violence or correlations between cognitive therapy and positive outlooks. Partners who are teachers or professors can see why you are studying principal leadership and student achievement. Any partner can appreciate your passion for studying what’s obviously meaningful to you. Still, use the second method to advance your position.

Bribe. Whatever version of “no pain, no gain” you choose, your SO should know that at the end of all the sacrifices and suffering, good things await. These can include your better job, promotions, prestige, more business, new business, more time with the family, your partner’s resumption of a degree program, and, importantly, mo’ money. Such reminders help you too to keep going.

But your SO may have objections, even with your careful list of good things. So–

Sit Down, Talk, and Listen

Wrenching as it may feel, you need to allocate some special time away from your dissertation to sit down with your partner. The following suggestions have worked for many of my dissertation coaching clients.

In a private place, block out an uninterrupted session. Encourage your partner to talk about this huge project of yours and, if necessary, shout out all the feelings, assumptions, misunderstandings, disappointments, and accusations. You do the same. Allow each other to voice all feelings, however irrational, and resist the urge to correct your SO or defend yourself. Just listen fully.

Then (gently) point out again the advantages of your degree. If and when, later, either of you needs to air renewed, residual, or the same negative feelings, arrange another session. When you don’t bring up the negatives, they’ll just go underground, pollute the family atmosphere, poison your relationship, and contaminate your efforts and progress with the dissertation.

Involve Your Partner

Part of the trouble is that your partner feels shut out. So share your work—the research questions or hypotheses or some of your research findings (not your convoluted statistics). When your SO sees your enthusiasm, it will make an impact. You may even get some compliments on your dedication. Ask for observations and opinions about your study. Your partner may contribute some real questions and insights you hadn’t thought of.

Your SO may also surprise you and even offer help—such as finding articles, setting up interviews, or sending out surveys. Accept the help—your partner probably wants to be involved. If you need to give explicit instructions (which I strongly suggest), do so beforehand. If you have to correct during or afterwards, do so (tactfully). When you work together, your relationship becomes stronger.

Compromise and Cooperate

If involvement isn’t wanted, desirable, or feasible and doesn’t soften the ill will, you can still work out solutions—compromises that mean something to you both. For example, offer to do three loads of dinner dishes or make two days of meals in exchange for two hours of research time, volunteer an afternoon of yard work for a morning of library immersion, a trip for an oil change for a day-long dissertation boot camp. You may not believe it, but you’ll feel better for the breaks.

Do Dates

Special dates too are important to maintain any closeness. In the end, what’s it all worth without your SO’s presence and love? So, as thanks and admittedly an extension of bribing, consider real dates, like weekend dinners together or evening cocktails three days a week, or when you complete a particularly maddening section or chapter.

My client Geoff promised his wife that the very next weekend after he finished writing up his data collection methods, he’d take her out to their favorite mountaintop restaurant overlooking the majestic river. And did. Another client, Sandra, plunked Caribbean brochures on her husband’s desk with a note dated three months in the future: “Post-Chapter 5 Vacation.”

Here are some other ideas my clients have used successfully with their partners.

• Take a day for hiking and a picnic in the woods.
• Sit down together for an open-ended talk about mutual meaningful topics (future delicious retreat possibilities, revisits to happy memories, strategies for a needed home renovation, even some erudite subjects you both like exploring—my husband and I are fascinated by early Christianity).
• An afternoon together on a special project—cleaning out the attic, painting a spare room, visiting a new family down the block.
• Volunteer together at a shelter to serve dinner.
• Get tickets for a concert or play (a musical, if you must).
• Go go-carting (good for venting advisor aggressions).

Spark ideas of your own?

Finally, as you educate, bribe, bargain with, and promise your SO time and attention, I have one more important suggestion.

Expect Support

A psychological principle backed by research studies is that expecting others to act a certain way becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (see Rosenthal and Jacobson’s landmark study of elementary schoolteachers’ expectations of their students). Make up your mind, despite whatever angry words have been flung back and forth, to see your SO as supportive.

Hokey as it may sound, visualizing and expecting others to act a certain way does work. Quantum physics corroborates these observations: “reality” changes with the observer (see David Hawkins, Power vs. Force). Psychologist and spiritual teacher Wayne Dyer instructs in The Power of Intention, “Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change” (p. 173).

Granted, keeping the supportive picture in mind isn’t always easy. But make an effort to imagine your SO accepting, understanding, and cheering you on.

• And practice affirmations like these:
• I see you perfectly cooperative.
• I thank you for understanding what I need.
• I see you losing nothing from my dissertation and loving and supportive.

Use these ideas or whatever variations you create. And eventually, on a very special date sometime in the future, you and your partner will be celebrating and toasting your new status as Doctor.

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If you have a burning academic question you’d like Dr. Noelle Sterne to answer, go here to send it to us. This column relies on question submissions, and we would love to hear yours. Dr. Noelle will answer one question on the 15th of each month. You can read this article for more information.

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Dissertation coach, nurturer, bolsterer, handholder, and editor; scholarly and mainstream writing consultant; author of writing craft, spiritual, and academic articles; and spiritual and motivational counselor, Noelle Sterne has published many pieces in print and online venues, including Author Magazine, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Children’s Book Insider, Graduate Schools Magazine, GradShare, InnerSelf, Inspire Me Today, Transformation Magazine, Unity Magazine, Women in Higher Education, Women on Writing, Writer’s Digest, and The Writer. Noelle’s ninth story for Chicken Soup for the Soul appears in June 2025 in the volume Self-Care Isn’t Selfish. With a Ph.D. from Columbia University, Noelle has for 30 years helped doctoral candidates wrestle their dissertations to completion (finally). Based on her practice, her Challenges in Writing Your Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield Education, 2015) addresses students’ often overlooked or ignored but crucial nonacademic difficulties that can seriously prolong their agony. See the PowerPoint teaser here. In Noelle`s Trust Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books, 2011), she draws examples from her academic consulting and other aspects of life to help readers release regrets and reach lifelong yearnings. Following one of her own, she is currently working on her third novel. Visit Noelle at www.trustyourlifenow.com